Whistle Stop

Arrangement in Grey and Black No 1

A man walked into Whistler’s Mother.* “Please speak with your child,” he said impatiently. “I swear to God, if I hear him do The Andy Griffith Show theme tune one more @#$%ing time…”

*Arrangement in Grey and Black No.1 by James McNeill Whistler.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Ch-Ch-Changes!

Cheesed Off

A man walked into change. He didn’t like it. Shortly thereafter, at the suggestion of a friend, he picked up a copy of Who Moved My Cheese?: An Amazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life, but soon tossed the book into the garbage, because it was… well, just the worst.* Consequently, he stopped accepting book recommendations from his friends, especially those who worked in the business world. This was a wise move. It was also the best change the man ever made.

*Not all change can be enjoyed, Dr. Johnson. Contracting a deadly, flesh-eating disease, for example. Cheese case closed.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Speaking of changes, Amanwalked.com will be making a few in the coming weeks, as it begins introducing new joke types, but don’t worry: people/things walking into other people/things will still be this site’s top priority. Stay tuned!

 

Out, Creeps!

Pest Control

A man walked into a house centipede. “You do know this is an apartment?” the man asked, hoping the distinction would inspire the invertebrate to move on. The centipede, however, rudely ignored him and invited five more of its buddies into the flat. Frustrated, the man briefly considered introducing the leggy intruders to a real estate agent, but then said “@#$% it” and introduced them to the bottom of his shoe instead. Pests controlled.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Five-Oh!

50 Posts

A man walked into 50 posts. It was also called a fence.*

*Thank you, loyal readers, for your continued faithfulness. I won’t call you “followers,” because (so far) I haven’t caught any of you walking behind me yet.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

The Hero’s Journey

Troll Hunter

A man walked down a steep ravine, armed for combat. He had traveled far, this brave knight, some fifty leagues, to reach the Weeping Cavern beneath Devil’s Bridge. The grotesque monster that lurked within would soon face justice for its vicious attacks against his sister. “No one dishonors my blood and lives,” the knight repeated as he lit a torch to enter that vile and murky grotto. Braving forth, protected by both steel and fire, he descended into a vast darkness, his mind focused on the battle ahead. The creature he sought, with its barbed and venomous tongue, would not be vanquished so easily, but if the gods above were kind, his victory would not be denied. The knight pressed on, deeper and deeper, through dread and jagged tunnels of fanged rock, until finally he approached a curious wooden door. Pushing it open, the knight found himself in the beast’s loathsome den: an unfinished basement apartment somewhere north of Hell. “There you are, troll,” he said, tightening the grip on his weapon. The troll, which was slouched over a laptop, stopped antagonizing commenters on an online message board just long enough to lift its ugly, slavering head. “How dare you malign my sister for liking Gilmore Girls?!” the knight shouted, charging with his blade. “Everyone loves that show!” The troll, startled by the intrusion, tried to shield itself behind the Internet’s cloak of anonymity, but alas, it was absolute rubbish against a longsword. The gods above were kind, indeed.*

*Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, either alive or dead, is wholly coincidental. Also, please don’t hurt the trolls.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Bee Joke: Two Ways

Spelling Bee

1.  A man walked into a spelling contest. He wuz elimunadid en thuh furst rownd.

2.  A man walked into a spelling contest. He was eliminated in the first round. Don’t laugh. You probably couldn’t spell “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis,” either, smart@$$.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Contacts

Meeting Eyes

A man walked into a woman. Their eyes met, but the rest of their bodies were still too angry about the collision to make any acquaintances. Sadly, it can be very difficult to overcome a bad anatomical first impression.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Away with Words

Curse the Sea

A man walked onto the most beautiful ship ever built. His fellow seamen were beyond impressed, but he didn’t give a @#$%. He also didn’t give a %$#@, a #$@% or a $#%@. Sure, the man could have parted with a few @$#%s or even a #%@$; however, he decided to keep those, too, just out of spite. “It’s splendiferous,” he proclaimed instead, relishing the word in his mouth like a succulent candy. “%@#$ it, Horatio, why can’t you swear like the rest of us?!” his shipmates growled angrily. “We’re sailors! It’s what we %@#$ing do!” “I thought we sailed,” Horatio said craftily. “Oh, this ship is exquisite! How superlative!” God, he loved toying with them. Moments later, they toyed with him and soon he found himself sinking towards the bottom of the ocean with an anchor tied around his neck. “%#$@,” he would have said, if not for the seawater.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

The Art of War

Death by Craft

A man walked into a craft store… and was a complete @$$hole. He passed through the aisles like a hurricane, leaving behind him a trail of chaos, destruction and strangely unaccountable puddles. Also, the man was talking loudly on his cellphone, which was beyond annoying. His behavior, however, did not go unnoticed. No, not at all. Over in the knitting corner, a clerk twisted a skein into a garrote. Another clerk in the scrapbooking section quickly sharpened a pair of pinking shears. And the clerk next to the home décor area fired up the hot glue gun. There would be vengeance. Vengeance!

© 2014 Tony Vicory.