The Unlikely Brew

Conscious Beer

It was an ordinary day, just like any other, when a pint of beer inexplicably gained consciousness. However, without eyes or ears or any sense organs whatsoever, it couldn’t fully explore the possibilities of its own existence, and understandably the beer became quite depressed. If only there were something it could have quaffed to drown its sorrows…

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Under Advisement


Dear Advice Columnist,
I’m in love with an author, but I’m beginning to suspect she’s just a brand ghostwritten by an anonymous collective. Tell me: are you just a brand ghostwritten by an anonymous collective? — CONFUSED BUT STILL ODDLY AROUSED

Dear Confused,
We are not a brand ghostwritten by an anonymous collective, but we are flattered. Thanks for asking. — US

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Doctor Who: A Recipe for Disaster?

Doctor Who Peter Capaldi

  1. Prepare 1 classic science fiction television program. Combine 1 alien with a doctorate, 1 time-traveling police box, and 1+ human companion(s). Pepper all over with monsters (or pepper pot monsters) and season to taste with awesomeness.
  2. Bring to a simmer and heat for 5 decades. Stir occasionally and replace alien and/or human companion(s) every 1-to-7 years to preserve flavor.
  3. While hot, portion out 800+ servings of classic science fiction television program and offer to an unappreciative Internet, mostly comprised of fair-weather fans and cynical message board contributors. Allow ingrates to add armchair criticism, cynical complaints, and vitriolic nitpicks to the mix, thereby tainting the recipe for everyone else. (These additions are best served stale, with a dollop of self-satisfaction and a slice of ham-handedness and/or actual ham.)
  4. Once finished, regenerate and start again. Repeat steps 1 – 4.

In all seriousness, though, don’t listen to the naysayers, Doctor Who. You’re still beautiful after all these years. And welcome to the newest Time Lord, Peter Capaldi. Long may ye reign. Ooh-wee-oooooooooh!

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

A New Perspective

A New Perspective

A man walked into a bar… but forget about him. Let’s talk about Audrey. After a demoralizing week at work, all she wanted — nay, deserved — was a night of drunken commiseration with her best friend, Marissa, but did she get it? No! Of all the happy hours, she had to pick the one swarming with bar joke characters. “This is horrible!” she shouted. “I can barely hear you with all of these punchlines walking around!” “Could be worse!” Marissa shouted back. “We could be punchlines ourselves!” “Well, that’s true!” Audrey replied, oddly encouraged. Marissa was right: she wasn’t a punchline; she was just a woman with a terrible, terrible job. Audrey smiled. Next week will be much better, she thought. I know it. She then took a sip of her half-priced beer and watched as a priest, a rabbi and Richard Dawkins slipped in through the side entrance.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Shopping for Superheroes: A Word Problem

Comic Book Shop

Tom went to the comic book store. He had $10 in his pocket and was hoping to pick up the latest issues of Animal Man, Justice League and Swamp Thing. Each cost $2.99. If sales tax was 6% in Tom’s state, how many comics did he buy?

Answer: Zero. Tom never got the opportunity to buy anything, because the employees were too busy ranking the fictional characters they would sleep with (on a scale between “Hell Yeah” and “Well, Sure, I’d Probably Still Go for It”) to bother assisting him. This was not an isolated incident. In fact, this was happening at every comic book store ever. Yay, subscriptions.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

The Accursed Rental

Monster Movie Night

It was a dark and stormy movie night. Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, the Mummy and the Wolfman had gathered in an abandoned Transylvanian theater to watch Richard Linklater’s classic romance, Before Sunrise. Unfortunately, their manservant Igor had picked up the sequel, Before Sunset, by mistake, and within seconds, Dracula violently combusted. “Well, that was an overreaction,” the Mummy grumbled. “I actually like Sunset better,” the Wolfman added. Frankenstein’s Monster, however, started to sob and whined: “Gross, he got ashes in my popcorn!” Igor hunched his already hunched back. “Sorry, masters,” he said wearily. “Shall I fetch the broom?”

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Link of the Week: A Good Joke Can Change the World

Link of the Week

Fred Clark, aka the Slacktivist, demonstrates how a good joke can change the world:

“We have other examples that this is true but we don’t always notice them because the effect of good jokes usually tends to be defensive. The craftspeople at some of our finest joke workshops (the guilds of Stewart, Colbert, Onion, Toast, Silverman, etc.) expend a lot of energy playing a kind of whack-a-mole game in which prophylactic jokes prevent the world from getting worse. That’s a harder thing to identify or measure, but the effect is real.”

Oh, and did I mention there are clips from Monty Python’s Flying Circus and Last Week Tonight with Jon Oliver? You’re welcome. Says Fred. Presumably.

©2014 Tony Vicory.

Whistle Stop

Arrangement in Grey and Black No 1

A man walked into Whistler’s Mother.* “Please speak with your child,” he said impatiently. “I swear to God, if I hear him do The Andy Griffith Show theme tune one more @#$%ing time…”

*Arrangement in Grey and Black No.1 by James McNeill Whistler.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.