Five-Oh!

50 Posts

A man walked into 50 posts. It was also called a fence.*

*Thank you, loyal readers, for your continued faithfulness. I won’t call you “followers,” because (so far) I haven’t caught any of you walking behind me yet.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

The Hero’s Journey

Troll Hunter

A man walked down a steep ravine, armed for combat. He had traveled far, this brave knight, some fifty leagues, to reach the Weeping Cavern beneath Devil’s Bridge. The grotesque monster that lurked within would soon face justice for its vicious attacks against his sister. “No one dishonors my blood and lives,” the knight repeated as he lit a torch to enter that vile and murky grotto. Braving forth, protected by both steel and fire, he descended into a vast darkness, his mind focused on the battle ahead. The creature he sought, with its barbed and venomous tongue, would not be vanquished so easily, but if the gods above were kind, his victory would not be denied. The knight pressed on, deeper and deeper, through dread and jagged tunnels of fanged rock, until finally he approached a curious wooden door. Pushing it open, the knight found himself in the beast’s loathsome den: an unfinished basement apartment somewhere north of Hell. “There you are, troll,” he said, tightening the grip on his weapon. The troll, which was slouched over a laptop, stopped antagonizing commenters on an online message board just long enough to lift its ugly, slavering head. “How dare you malign my sister for liking Gilmore Girls?!” the knight shouted, charging with his blade. “Everyone loves that show!” The troll, startled by the intrusion, tried to shield itself behind the Internet’s cloak of anonymity, but alas, it was absolute rubbish against a longsword. The gods above were kind, indeed.*

*Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, either alive or dead, is wholly coincidental. Also, please don’t hurt the trolls.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Bee Joke: Two Ways

Spelling Bee

1.  A man walked into a spelling contest. He wuz elimunadid en thuh furst rownd.

2.  A man walked into a spelling contest. He was eliminated in the first round. Don’t laugh. You probably couldn’t spell “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis,” either, smart@$$.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Contacts

Meeting Eyes

A man walked into a woman. Their eyes met, but the rest of their bodies were still too angry about the collision to make any acquaintances. Sadly, it can be very difficult to overcome a bad anatomical first impression.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Away with Words

Curse the Sea

A man walked onto the most beautiful ship ever built. His fellow seamen were beyond impressed, but he didn’t give a @#$%. He also didn’t give a %$#@, a #$@% or a $#%@. Sure, the man could have parted with a few @$#%s or even a #%@$; however, he decided to keep those, too, just out of spite. “It’s splendiferous,” he proclaimed instead, relishing the word in his mouth like a succulent candy. “%@#$ it, Horatio, why can’t you swear like the rest of us?!” his shipmates growled angrily. “We’re sailors! It’s what we %@#$ing do!” “I thought we sailed,” Horatio said craftily. “Oh, this ship is exquisite! How superlative!” God, he loved toying with them. Moments later, they toyed with him and soon he found himself sinking towards the bottom of the ocean with an anchor tied around his neck. “%#$@,” he would have said, if not for the seawater.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

The Art of War

Death by Craft

A man walked into a craft store… and was a complete @$$hole. He passed through the aisles like a hurricane, leaving behind him a trail of chaos, destruction and strangely unaccountable puddles. Also, the man was talking loudly on his cellphone, which was beyond annoying. His behavior, however, did not go unnoticed. No, not at all. Over in the knitting corner, a clerk twisted a skein into a garrote. Another clerk in the scrapbooking section quickly sharpened a pair of pinking shears. And the clerk next to the home décor area fired up the hot glue gun. There would be vengeance. Vengeance!

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

So Much for Science

Stuck in Space-Time

A man walked into the space-time continuum. He got stuck. Apparently, there wasn’t enough space. Incidentally, there wasn’t enough time either, to explain why something like that shouldn’t have happened in the first place. Physics can be such a funny thing.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Busting the Block

Laptop Reboot

A man walked into a computer repair shop. “Hello,” he said to the technician, “I’d like you to give my laptop a Hollywood-style reboot, please.” “Excuse me?” the technician replied, almost spilling his coffee. “You know,” the man said, “I want you to reinvent it! Make it fresh! Make it hip! Make it appealing to new and profitable demographics!” “I don’t think you or Hollywood knows what the word ‘reboot’ means,” the technician informed him. “Oh, ‘reboot’ has a different meaning now,” the man said. “It means making something darker and grittier and more modern, preferably with the barest semblance of its former self.” The technician scoffed. “Well… I could always smash your laptop out in the parking lot,” he suggested bluntly. “That would be dark and gritty and modern.” “Aha!” the man said, grinning from ear to ear. “You do get it!”

© 2014 Tony Vicory.