A Halloween Love Story

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A man walked into a costume party. He was not dressed for the occasion… although, he might have been, if Creepy Naked Guy were an acceptable thing to be. “What are you doing?” his girlfriend shouted, rushing across the room to cover his private bits with a 4×4 paper napkin. “I wanted to be sexy,” the man said confusedly, “like all of you.” “Well, this is not how you do it,” his girlfriend replied. She was reddening with embarrassment, but it was hard to tell, since she was dressed as a sexy tomato. “But look,” the man argued, pointing at individual revelers, “there’s sexy water sprinkler and sexy dismembered corpse and sexy pantomime Hidalgo from the 2004 action-adventure film, Hidalgo…” His girlfriend began to cry. “Oh, Peter, you just haven’t been the same since that freak weather balloon accident,” she said, whimpering. “I’m sorry,” Peter answered, lowering his head. It was true: those weather balloons had changed him — and not for the better. “Don’t worry, Lisa,” he said, “I’ll leave.” He tried patting her on the shoulder, but soon remembered that tomatoes really didn’t have shoulders. Lisa wiped her eyes and smiled. “No,” she said, clearing her throat, “I mustn’t be upset; this isn’t your fault.” She let go of the napkin and began to remove her own costume. “You are sexy,” she announced boldly, “and I’m going to be sexy with you.” Just then, the party’s host cut in and said, “Listen, guys, you’re really starting to gross everyone out; I mean, sexy wholesale tuna just threw up in the punch bowl.” Peter and Lisa turned to see and yes, indeed, how unfortunate for sexy wholesale tuna. “I’m gonna need to ask you to go,” the host said. Peter nodded. “We understand,” he replied. “Yeah,” Lisa added, “I guess we’re just too sexy for this sexy costume party.” She wrapped her bare arm around Peter’s. “Come along,” she said, and together they walked unashamed out of the ballroom, passing by sexy wind chimes and sexy Grim Reaper and sexy half-eaten bologna sandwich…

2014 Tony Vicory.

When Good Reviews Go Bad: Book Edition

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  1. You’ve never read a book like this before… and you’ll never want to again.”
  2. I couldn’t put it down. No matter what I tried, it just wouldn’t die.”
  3. I laughed so hard that I cried, because this thriller was @#$%ing terrible.”
  4. Five stars! That’s right: it would take five stars, each burning at their radioactive peak, to incinerate this atrocity from my memory.”
  5. The characters leapt from the pages, because even they didn’t want to be in them.”
  6. It’s better than The Da Vinci Code… which isn’t saying much, when you think about it.”
  7. Everyone must read this book, because if I’m the only one who had to, I’m going to be super-pissed.”
  8. It’s destined to become a bestseller, because it’s the perfect size to replace wobbly Ikea coffee table legs.”
  9. I was on the edge of my seat, but before I knew it, I was on the floor. Balancing while you’re asleep can be really difficult!”
  10. It’s inspired… me to stop reading altogether.”

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Link of the Week: Kyōryū Sentai Zyuranger

Link of the Week

Some monsters are misunderstood. Other monsters are, well, incomprehensible. And none are more baffling (or entertaining) than the ones found in Kyōryū Sentai Zyuranger, the 1992 Japanese television show that inspired Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Thank God that someone on Wikipedia took the time trying to make sense of them all. Here are two wonderful examples to whet your appetite:

“Dora Endos (ドーラエンドス Dōra Endosu) is a pineapple/octopus monster with the power to cause people to sneeze uncontrollably until they die of it. His own weakness is cold water which he fears. Posing as a clown, he created soccer balls that contained his sneezing powder, using a boy named Isamu to do the dirty work in targeting many of the soccer teams. [...] He is voiced by Kazuhiko Kishino and portrayed by Hiroya Kishibata (岸端 浩也 Kishibata Hiroya).”

“Dora Skeleton (ドーラスケルトン Dōra Sukeruton) is a skeleton with a large hat, who could reassemble his body after being blown apart. The Rangers went after him when Dora Skeleton was sent to retrieve a shuttle. His flying, disembodied skull could teleport people to a shadowy world. He was the only Dora Monster with his own grunts. He was killed when Tiger Ranger threw his head down a lava pit causing his body to be destroyed. He is voiced by Yoshio Ochiai (河合 義雄 Ochiai Yoshio).”

Enjoy, my friends. Enjoy.

2014 Tony Vicory.

Star Wars: Episode VII – Spoiler!

Han Solo and Chewbacca

According to an anonymous source, corroborated by no one, the following script excerpt features a scene from the highly anticipated Star Wars film, Episode VII. Please read at your own risk.

INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON – ENGINEERING BAY

Han Solo enters. The entire bay is empty, except for the Falcon’s co-pilot, Chewbacca, who is slouching in the corner.

HAN: [irritated] Chewie, what’s going on in here? Where is everything? The engines, the hyperdrive, that outdated but incredibly sexy calendar I’ve been hiding from Leia – they’re all gone!
CHEWBACCA: SKREEONK!
HAN: What do you mean, you got rid of them? Why? [groans] This better not be another one of your stupid Wookiee jokes. I’ve put up with the whole no-pants thing for years now, but this is extreme…
CHEWBACCA: SKREEONK!
HAN: [scoffs] Excuse me? You can’t live a lie anymore? What are you talking about? What’s so dishonest about having a functional ship? Wait a minute — you’re not smoking space crack again, are you?
CHEWBACCA: SKREEONK!
HAN: Oh, that’s offensive, is it? Please! I’ll tell you what’s offensive: the fact that you think I’m stupid enough to believe that the Falcon doesn’t need an engineering bay! How’s it supposed to fly, genius? By the power of your furry little mind?
CHEWBACCA: SKREEONK!
HAN: What?! You’ve been using the Force all this time? Ha! I think you’re getting confused, my friend. Luke is the Jedi. You’re the throw rug.
CHEWBACCA: SKREEONK!
HAN: All Wookiees are Jedi? Yeah, right! Since when? Your species’ greatest accomplishment is having developed a language somehow less intelligible than gargling! And need I remind you — again — that you’re NOT WEARING PANTS?!
CHEWBACCA: SKREEONK!
HAN: So, Wookiees can speak? You’re just too busy moving things around with your Jedi telekinesis to bother enunciating? Come on! Now, I know you’re on space crack! Listen, if you sold the equipment to pay off a drug debt, I won’t be angry. Just fess up, and we’ll try to work something out —

Exasperated, Chewbacca growls, and then, with a flick of his wrists, he begins to levitate.

CHEWBACCA: [speaking clearly] Do you doubt me now?

Han staggers backward in shock.

HAN: [flabbergasted] HOLY HELL! Uh… well… OK… so maybe you are a Jedi! [gulps] But if that’s really true, why didn’t you tell anyone?! We definitely could have used your abilities back during those space battles — I mean, those “star wars” — we fought. I think you may owe Luke a hand or something…
CHEWBACCA: Actually, you’re the only one I kept in the dark.
HAN: What?!
CHEWBACCA: We all knew much you loved the Falcon, Han — you always said the day you “won” it from Lando was the best of your life — so none of us had the heart to tell you what a piece of $@#% it was. We sort of hoped you’d figure it out, though. I mean, who plays high stakes card games on April Fool’s Day?
HAN: [confused] But I’ve flown the ship without you… light years away… and Lando has, too…

Chewbacca shrugs.

CHEWBACCA: What can I say? Yoda’s got nothing on me.
HAN: [dejected] How could I have been so blind? You really have been living a lie. We both have. [sighs] I wonder what else I don’t know…
CHEWBACCA: [hesitant] Well, there is one more thing. You remember those blood tests you and Leia took before your wedding? It turns out the medical droids missed something. [clears his throat] Um… where do you stand on first cousins?

Han falls to his knees.

HAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
CHEWBACCA: There, there. Let it out. SKREEONK!

Star Wars: Episode VII hits theaters December 18th, 2015.

2014 Tony Vicory.

Down with the Overshirts!

Down with the Overshirts

After a long and hard-fought campaign, the rebellion was finally complete. The system had toppled. Freedom, like sunshine, had broken through. From this day forward, nothing would ever — ever! — hold the world’s undershirts down again. “Tuck fashion and tuck you!” they chanted in unison as they rounded up the cardigans and the hoodies and the jackets and the ponchos and the raincoats and the sweater vests…

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

The Amazing Scrutineer Loons: The Mystery of the Dubious Dinner, Part 3

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The Amazing Scrutineer Loons were torn, but not as torn as the ragged soccer ball they had just discovered moments earlier. Yes, it deserved justice for its untimely deflation; however, their stomachs deserved something, too, namely hearty beakfuls of moldy synthetic leather. Such a dilemma necessitated a near-impossible choice: should our intrepid detectives follow the evidence, or should they swallow it, along with a nice, refreshing gulp of stagnant lake water? How could they decide? Was it even their decision to make? These questions and many more will be answered… right now, because the loons are @#$%ing hungry. Can you blame them? Find out next time in The Amazing Scrutineer Loons: Seriously, Where are the Crackers?, Part 1!

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

The Amazing Scrutineer Loons: The Mystery of the Dubious Dinner, Part 2

Amazing_Scrutineer_Loons_2

The Amazing Scrutineer Loons were nothing if not methodical. Scrutinous, even. They pecked the dead trout three whole times before agreeing it was actually a deflated soccer ball: rotting, but still very much edible, according to loon standards. Then again, who could eat with punctured sporting goods floating around? Was it murder? Or perhaps suicide? Did the ball witness something it was never meant to see? And why didn’t anyone have crackers anymore? Come on! These questions and many more will soon be answered in… The Amazing Scrutineer Loons: The Mystery of the Dubious Dinner, Part 3!

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

The Amazing Scrutineer Loons: The Mystery of the Dubious Dinner, Part 1

Amazing_Scrutineer_Loons_1

The Amazing Scrutineer Loons were the greatest avian detective agency ever assembled, having solved such tantalizing conundrums as “Who crapped in the lake?” and “Where did that bag of potato chips come from?” Their latest case, however, would be their most challenging to date. When did that trout go belly up? How did it die? More importantly, would it still be tasty? If so, who gets to eat it? And does anyone have crackers? These questions and many more will soon be answered in… The Amazing Scrutineer Loons: The Mystery of the Dubious Dinner, Part 2!

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

The Unlikely Brew

Conscious Beer

It was an ordinary day, just like any other, when a pint of beer inexplicably gained consciousness. However, without eyes or ears or any sense organs whatsoever, it couldn’t fully explore the possibilities of its own existence, and understandably the beer became quite depressed. If only there were something it could have quaffed to drown its sorrows…

© 2014 Tony Vicory.