Star Wars: Episode VII – Spoiler!

Han Solo and Chewbacca

According to an anonymous source, corroborated by no one, the following script excerpt features a scene from the highly anticipated Star Wars film, Episode VII. Please read at your own risk.

INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON – ENGINEERING BAY

Han Solo enters. The entire bay is empty, except for the Falcon’s co-pilot, Chewbacca, who is slouching in the corner.

HAN: [irritated] Chewie, what’s going on in here? Where is everything? The engines, the hyperdrive, that outdated but incredibly sexy calendar I’ve been hiding from Leia – they’re all gone!
CHEWBACCA: SKREEONK!
HAN: What do you mean, you got rid of them? Why? [groans] This better not be another one of your stupid Wookiee jokes. I’ve put up with the whole no-pants thing for years now, but this is extreme…
CHEWBACCA: SKREEONK!
HAN: [scoffs] Excuse me? You can’t live a lie anymore? What are you talking about? What’s so dishonest about having a functional ship? Wait a minute — you’re not smoking space crack again, are you?
CHEWBACCA: SKREEONK!
HAN: Oh, that’s offensive, is it? Please! I’ll tell you what’s offensive: the fact that you think I’m stupid enough to believe that the Falcon doesn’t need an engineering bay! How’s it supposed to fly, genius? By the power of your furry little mind?
CHEWBACCA: SKREEONK!
HAN: What?! You’ve been using the Force all this time? Ha! I think you’re getting confused, my friend. Luke is the Jedi. You’re the throw rug.
CHEWBACCA: SKREEONK!
HAN: All Wookiees are Jedi? Yeah, right! Since when? Your species’ greatest accomplishment is having developed a language somehow less intelligible than gargling! And need I remind you — again — that you’re NOT WEARING PANTS?!
CHEWBACCA: SKREEONK!
HAN: So, Wookiees can speak? You’re just too busy moving things around with your Jedi telekinesis to bother enunciating? Come on! Now, I know you’re on space crack! Listen, if you sold the equipment to pay off a drug debt, I won’t be angry. Just fess up, and we’ll try to work something out —

Exasperated, Chewbacca growls, and then, with a flick of his wrists, he begins to levitate.

CHEWBACCA: [speaking clearly] Do you doubt me now?

Han staggers backward in shock.

HAN: [flabbergasted] HOLY HELL! Uh… well… OK… so maybe you are a Jedi! [gulps] But if that’s really true, why didn’t you tell anyone?! We definitely could have used your abilities back during those space battles — I mean, those “star wars” — we fought. I think you may owe Luke a hand or something…
CHEWBACCA: Actually, you’re the only one I kept in the dark.
HAN: What?!
CHEWBACCA: We all knew much you loved the Falcon, Han — you always said the day you “won” it from Lando was the best of your life — so none of us had the heart to tell you what a piece of $@#% it was. We sort of hoped you’d figure it out, though. I mean, who plays high stakes card games on April Fool’s Day?
HAN: [confused] But I’ve flown the ship without you… light years away… and Lando has, too…

Chewbacca shrugs.

CHEWBACCA: What can I say? Yoda’s got nothing on me.
HAN: [dejected] How could I have been so blind? You really have been living a lie. We both have. [sighs] I wonder what else I don’t know…
CHEWBACCA: [hesitant] Well, there is one more thing. You remember those blood tests you and Leia took before your wedding? It turns out the medical droids missed something. [clears his throat] Um… where do you stand on first cousins?

Han falls to his knees.

HAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
CHEWBACCA: There, there. Let it out. SKREEONK!

Star Wars: Episode VII hits theaters December 18th, 2015.

2014 Tony Vicory.

Down with the Overshirts!

Down with the Overshirts

After a long and hard-fought campaign, the rebellion was finally complete. The system had toppled. Freedom, like sunshine, had broken through. From this day forward, nothing would ever — ever! — hold the world’s undershirts down again. “Tuck fashion and tuck you!” they chanted in unison as they rounded up the cardigans and the hoodies and the jackets and the ponchos and the raincoats and the sweater vests…

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

The Amazing Scrutineer Loons: The Mystery of the Dubious Dinner, Part 3

Amazing_Scrutineer_Loons_3

The Amazing Scrutineer Loons were torn, but not as torn as the ragged soccer ball they had just discovered moments earlier. Yes, it deserved justice for its untimely deflation; however, their stomachs deserved something, too, namely hearty beakfuls of moldy synthetic leather. Such a dilemma necessitated a near-impossible choice: should our intrepid detectives follow the evidence, or should they swallow it, along with a nice, refreshing gulp of stagnant lake water? How could they decide? Was it even their decision to make? These questions and many more will be answered… right now, because the loons are @#$%ing hungry. Can you blame them? Find out next time in The Amazing Scrutineer Loons: Seriously, Where are the Crackers?, Part 1!

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

The Amazing Scrutineer Loons: The Mystery of the Dubious Dinner, Part 2

Amazing_Scrutineer_Loons_2

The Amazing Scrutineer Loons were nothing if not methodical. Scrutinous, even. They pecked the dead trout three whole times before agreeing it was actually a deflated soccer ball: rotting, but still very much edible, according to loon standards. Then again, who could eat with punctured sporting goods floating around? Was it murder? Or perhaps suicide? Did the ball witness something it was never meant to see? And why didn’t anyone have crackers anymore? Come on! These questions and many more will soon be answered in… The Amazing Scrutineer Loons: The Mystery of the Dubious Dinner, Part 3!

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

The Amazing Scrutineer Loons: The Mystery of the Dubious Dinner, Part 1

Amazing_Scrutineer_Loons_1

The Amazing Scrutineer Loons were the greatest avian detective agency ever assembled, having solved such tantalizing conundrums as “Who crapped in the lake?” and “Where did that bag of potato chips come from?” Their latest case, however, would be their most challenging to date. When did that trout go belly up? How did it die? More importantly, would it still be tasty? If so, who gets to eat it? And does anyone have crackers? These questions and many more will soon be answered in… The Amazing Scrutineer Loons: The Mystery of the Dubious Dinner, Part 2!

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

The Unlikely Brew

Conscious Beer

It was an ordinary day, just like any other, when a pint of beer inexplicably gained consciousness. However, without eyes or ears or any sense organs whatsoever, it couldn’t fully explore the possibilities of its own existence, and understandably the beer became quite depressed. If only there were something it could have quaffed to drown its sorrows…

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Under Advisement

Dear

Dear Advice Columnist,
I’m in love with an author, but I’m beginning to suspect she’s just a brand ghostwritten by an anonymous collective. Tell me: are you just a brand ghostwritten by an anonymous collective? — CONFUSED BUT STILL ODDLY AROUSED

Dear Confused,
We are not a brand ghostwritten by an anonymous collective, but we are flattered. Thanks for asking. — US

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Doctor Who: A Recipe for Disaster?

Doctor Who Peter Capaldi

  1. Prepare 1 classic science fiction television program. Combine 1 alien with a doctorate, 1 time-traveling police box, and 1+ human companion(s). Pepper all over with monsters (or pepper pot monsters) and season to taste with awesomeness.
  2. Bring to a simmer and heat for 5 decades. Stir occasionally and replace alien and/or human companion(s) every 1-to-7 years to preserve flavor.
  3. While hot, portion out 800+ servings of classic science fiction television program and offer to an unappreciative Internet, mostly comprised of fair-weather fans and cynical message board contributors. Allow ingrates to add armchair criticism, cynical complaints, and vitriolic nitpicks to the mix, thereby tainting the recipe for everyone else. (These additions are best served stale, with a dollop of self-satisfaction and a slice of ham-handedness and/or actual ham.)
  4. Once finished, regenerate and start again. Repeat steps 1 – 4.

In all seriousness, though, don’t listen to the naysayers, Doctor Who. You’re still beautiful after all these years. And welcome to the newest Time Lord, Peter Capaldi. Long may ye reign. Ooh-wee-oooooooooh!

© 2014 Tony Vicory.