Shopping for Superheroes: A Word Problem

Comic Book Shop

Tom went to the comic book store. He had $10 in his pocket and was hoping to pick up the latest issues of Animal Man, Justice League and Swamp Thing. Each cost $2.99. If sales tax was 6% in Tom’s state, how many comics did he buy?

Answer: Zero. Tom never got the opportunity to buy anything, because the employees were too busy ranking the fictional characters they would sleep with (on a scale between “Hell Yeah” and “Well, Sure, I’d Probably Still Go for It”) to bother assisting him. This was not an isolated incident. In fact, this was happening at every comic book store ever. Yay, subscriptions.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

The Accursed Rental

Monster Movie Night

It was a dark and stormy movie night. Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, the Mummy and the Wolfman had gathered in an abandoned Transylvanian theater to watch Richard Linklater’s classic romance, Before Sunrise. Unfortunately, their manservant Igor had picked up the sequel, Before Sunset, by mistake, and within seconds, Dracula violently combusted. “Well, that was an overreaction,” the Mummy grumbled. “I actually like Sunset better,” the Wolfman added. Frankenstein’s Monster, however, started to sob and whined: “Gross, he got ashes in my popcorn!” Igor hunched his already hunched back. “Sorry, masters,” he said wearily. “Shall I fetch the broom?”

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Link of the Week: A Good Joke Can Change the World

Link of the Week

Fred Clark, aka the Slacktivist, demonstrates how a good joke can change the world:

“We have other examples that this is true but we don’t always notice them because the effect of good jokes usually tends to be defensive. The craftspeople at some of our finest joke workshops (the guilds of Stewart, Colbert, Onion, Toast, Silverman, etc.) expend a lot of energy playing a kind of whack-a-mole game in which prophylactic jokes prevent the world from getting worse. That’s a harder thing to identify or measure, but the effect is real.”

Oh, and did I mention there are clips from Monty Python’s Flying Circus and Last Week Tonight with Jon Oliver? You’re welcome. Says Fred. Presumably.

©2014 Tony Vicory.

Whistle Stop

Arrangement in Grey and Black No 1

A man walked into Whistler’s Mother.* “Please speak with your child,” he said impatiently. “I swear to God, if I hear him do The Andy Griffith Show theme tune one more @#$%ing time…”

*Arrangement in Grey and Black No.1 by James McNeill Whistler.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.


Cheesed Off

A man walked into change. He didn’t like it. Shortly thereafter, at the suggestion of a friend, he picked up a copy of Who Moved My Cheese?: An Amazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life, but soon tossed the book into the garbage, because it was… well, just the worst.* Consequently, he stopped accepting book recommendations from his friends, especially those who worked in the business world. This was a wise move. It was also the best change the man ever made.

*Not all change can be enjoyed, Dr. Johnson. Contracting a deadly, flesh-eating disease, for example. Cheese case closed.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Speaking of changes, will be making a few in the coming weeks, as it begins introducing new joke types, but don’t worry: people/things walking into other people/things will still be this site’s top priority. Stay tuned!


Out, Creeps!

Pest Control

A man walked into a house centipede. “You do know this is an apartment?” the man asked, hoping the distinction would inspire the invertebrate to move on. The centipede, however, rudely ignored him and invited five more of its buddies into the flat. Frustrated, the man briefly considered introducing the leggy intruders to a real estate agent, but then said “@#$% it” and introduced them to the bottom of his shoe instead. Pests controlled.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.


50 Posts

A man walked into 50 posts. It was also called a fence.*

*Thank you, loyal readers, for your continued faithfulness. I won’t call you “followers,” because (so far) I haven’t caught any of you walking behind me yet.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

The Hero’s Journey

Troll Hunter

A man walked down a steep ravine, armed for combat. He had traveled far, this brave knight, some fifty leagues, to reach the Weeping Cavern beneath Devil’s Bridge. The grotesque monster that lurked within would soon face justice for its vicious attacks against his sister. “No one dishonors my blood and lives,” the knight repeated as he lit a torch to enter that vile and murky grotto. Braving forth, protected by both steel and fire, he descended into a vast darkness, his mind focused on the battle ahead. The creature he sought, with its barbed and venomous tongue, would not be vanquished so easily, but if the gods above were kind, his victory would not be denied. The knight pressed on, deeper and deeper, through dread and jagged tunnels of fanged rock, until finally he approached a curious wooden door. Pushing it open, the knight found himself in the beast’s loathsome den: an unfinished basement apartment somewhere north of Hell. “There you are, troll,” he said, tightening the grip on his weapon. The troll, which was slouched over a laptop, stopped antagonizing commenters on an online message board just long enough to lift its ugly, slavering head. “How dare you malign my sister for liking Gilmore Girls?!” the knight shouted, charging with his blade. “Everyone loves that show!” The troll, startled by the intrusion, tried to shield itself behind the Internet’s cloak of anonymity, but alas, it was absolute rubbish against a longsword. The gods above were kind, indeed.*

*Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, either alive or dead, is wholly coincidental. Also, please don’t hurt the trolls.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Bee Joke: Two Ways

Spelling Bee

1.  A man walked into a spelling contest. He wuz elimunadid en thuh furst rownd.

2.  A man walked into a spelling contest. He was eliminated in the first round. Don’t laugh. You probably couldn’t spell “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis,” either, smart@$$.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.