Whistle Stop

Arrangement in Grey and Black No 1

A man walked into Whistler’s Mother.* “Please speak with your child,” he said impatiently. “I swear to God, if I hear him do The Andy Griffith Show theme tune one more @#$%ing time…”

*Arrangement in Grey and Black No.1 by James McNeill Whistler.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Ch-Ch-Changes!

Cheesed Off

A man walked into change. He didn’t like it. Shortly thereafter, at the suggestion of a friend, he picked up a copy of Who Moved My Cheese?: An Amazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life, but soon tossed the book into the garbage, because it was… well, just the worst.* Consequently, he stopped accepting book recommendations from his friends, especially those who worked in the business world. This was a wise move. It was also the best change the man ever made.

*Not all change can be enjoyed, Dr. Johnson. Contracting a deadly, flesh-eating disease, for example. Cheese case closed.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Speaking of changes, Amanwalked.com will be making a few in the coming weeks, as it begins introducing new joke types, but don’t worry: people/things walking into other people/things will still be this site’s top priority. Stay tuned!

 

Out, Creeps!

Pest Control

A man walked into a house centipede. “You do know this is an apartment?” the man asked, hoping the distinction would inspire the invertebrate to move on. The centipede, however, rudely ignored him and invited five more of its buddies into the flat. Frustrated, the man briefly considered introducing the leggy intruders to a real estate agent, but then said “@#$% it” and introduced them to the bottom of his shoe instead. Pests controlled.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Five-Oh!

50 Posts

A man walked into 50 posts. It was also called a fence.*

*Thank you, loyal readers, for your continued faithfulness. I won’t call you “followers,” because (so far) I haven’t caught any of you walking behind me yet.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Bee Joke: Two Ways

Spelling Bee

1.  A man walked into a spelling contest. He wuz elimunadid en thuh furst rownd.

2.  A man walked into a spelling contest. He was eliminated in the first round. Don’t laugh. You probably couldn’t spell “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis,” either, smart@$$.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Contacts

Meeting Eyes

A man walked into a woman. Their eyes met, but the rest of their bodies were still too angry about the collision to make any acquaintances. Sadly, it can be very difficult to overcome a bad anatomical first impression.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

The Art of War

Death by Craft

A man walked into a craft store… and was a complete @$$hole. He passed through the aisles like a hurricane, leaving behind him a trail of chaos, destruction and strangely unaccountable puddles. Also, the man was talking loudly on his cellphone, which was beyond annoying. His behavior, however, did not go unnoticed. No, not at all. Over in the knitting corner, a clerk twisted a skein into a garrote. Another clerk in the scrapbooking section quickly sharpened a pair of pinking shears. And the clerk next to the home décor area fired up the hot glue gun. There would be vengeance. Vengeance!

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

So Much for Science

Stuck in Space-Time

A man walked into the space-time continuum. He got stuck. Apparently, there wasn’t enough space. Incidentally, there wasn’t enough time either, to explain why something like that shouldn’t have happened in the first place. Physics can be such a funny thing.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Busting the Block

Laptop Reboot

A man walked into a computer repair shop. “Hello,” he said to the technician, “I’d like you to give my laptop a Hollywood-style reboot, please.” “Excuse me?” the technician replied, almost spilling his coffee. “You know,” the man said, “I want you to reinvent it! Make it fresh! Make it hip! Make it appealing to new and profitable demographics!” “I don’t think you or Hollywood knows what the word ‘reboot’ means,” the technician informed him. “Oh, ‘reboot’ has a different meaning now,” the man said. “It means making something darker and grittier and more modern, preferably with the barest semblance of its former self.” The technician scoffed. “Well… I could always smash your laptop out in the parking lot,” he suggested bluntly. “That would be dark and gritty and modern.” “Aha!” the man said, grinning from ear to ear. “You do get it!”

© 2014 Tony Vicory.