Ooh, yeah, stroke that vertical.
If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be justified.
I like the way your extenders slope.
Your e’s have the most exquisite eyes.
If I may be so bold…
My paragraph or yours?
You’ve got one mean line.
I could stare at the curves of your breves all day long.
Let’s get diacritical.
Is that your o-face?
How’s your punctuation hanging?
I’m in the mood to interrobang.
I would adore you with serifs or sans.
Your CamelCase is showing.
I want to touch your small caps.
How low is your baseline?
I’m a dingbat for your love.
Care to get your swash on?
Your beauty punchcuts me.
Wanna try reverse-contrast?
© 2015 Tony Vicory.
Act V, Scene V. An arena.
Enter Face, a professional wrestler. His opponent, Heel, waits within the ring.
Villain, thou wears the gold of champions,
Which once did rest upon my worthy waist!
I name thee thief, for valor won it not,
But base deceit this hallowed ring disgraced!
A thief, am I? Then bitter is thy name,
Or fool, to think thy acrid tongue can wound!
This victor’s belt is mine, with glory earned;
Thy claim and challenge both are rightly doomed!
The doom is thine, our contest shall agree,
And hardest lesson thou will shortly learn:
By tricks, thou wrested my beloved prize,
But skill will guarantee its fair return!
Have at me then with all thy vaunted strength
And break thyself upon the gates of hell!
This devil aches to make his powers known!
Official, come and ring the starting bell!
Enter the Official, a referee. He signals for the match to begin.
Face and Heel do battle.
I gift thee now a short-arm elbow smash!
And I repay a chest marked red with chops!
Reversed, have I; take this, a spinning knee!
‘Tis countered quick by three atomic drops!
Submit then, knave, to crossface chicken wing!
Fie! Break it! Stand! Feel powerbombs of pain!
Into the ropes, I swing thee; meet my boot!
A chair of steel, I grasp, to rock thy brain!
Enter the Chorus, ringside commentators.
And so they rage, opponents evermore,
To entertain the host of watchers wide;
Though some may dub their war a mummer’s farce,
Bard Shakespeare staged more fictious fare beside.
In other words, professional wrestling is legit, y’all.
© 2014 Tony Vicory.
- As soon as you arrive, ask if Choco Tacos® are being served. If they’re not, and they won’t be, loudly shout, “What sort of party is this?!” and walk out. From then on, everyone will know the sort of hills you’re willing to die on.
- Wander around while staring intently at the carpet. If anyone tries to stop you, simply mumble, “I have to locate the crystal.” If this doesn’t afford you a wide berth, nothing will.
- Take a keen interest in the decor, because (a) it will give the impression that you’re busy and (b) bric-a-brac doesn’t ask you how work is going.
- Visit the bathroom often, because the more you do, the more likely it is that people will avoid it and you. This is the very definition of a win-win.
- If someone engages you, respond to everything they say with, “I can’t believe you just said that to me.” Sooner or later, they’ll pick up on the subtext.
- Be the ass end of a pantomime horse. Note: this requires a partner and is usually reserved for costume parties, but with a tweak here and there, who knows?
- Bring a ventriloquist’s dummy with you. People will give you space. (This works equally well with dolls, nunchucks, and the works of Ayn Rand.)
- Go to sleep. This is especially effective if done in the host’s bedroom. Warning: you may be asked to explain yourself before getting the boot.
- Wear a name tag that reads, “@#$% off.” Assuming your fellow partygoers are literate, this should do the talking for you.
- Don’t go. Problem solved.
© 2014 Tony Vicory.
SUBJECT: BLACK FRIDAY IS COMING
SUBJECT: BLACK FRIDAY IS STILL COMING
SUBJECT: BLACK FRIDAY IS COMING WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT
SUBJECT: DID BLACK FRIDAY MENTION THAT BARGAINS WERE COMING, TOO?
SUBJECT: DID BLACK FRIDAY ALSO MENTION THE COMING OF DEALS?
SUBJECT: YOU CANNOT STOP THE COMING OF BLACK FRIDAY… OR ITS BARGAINS AND DEALS
SUBJECT: COUPONS! FREE! CHANCE TO WIN! SALE! NUDITY! (OH, AND BLACK FRIDAY IS COMING)
SUBJECT: THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE COMING OF BLACK FRIDAY
SUBJECT: SERIOUSLY, THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE COMING OF BLACK FRIDAY
SUBJECT: HOW DID YOU KNOW THOSE LAST TWO E-MAILS WERE ABOUT THE COMING OF BLACK FRIDAY?
SUBJECT: BLACK FRIDAY ONLY WANTS WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU, FRIEND
SUBJECT: OK, BLACK FRIDAY IS REALLY BEGINNING TO HATE YOU
Unsubscribe. Report spam. Delete. Empty trash.
SUBJECT: CYBER MONDAY IS COMING
© 2014 Tony Vicory.
Have you ever wondered what your favorite characters/people would be like if they were, in fact, dirtbags?* Well, wonder no more. (About that, obviously. By all means, wonder away about other stuff. Like otters, for instance.) Thankfully, Mallory Ortberg, an editor of The Toast and undeniable genius, eliminates the cumbersome guesswork of imagining for yourself by bringing these dirtbags to glorious life for you. Still incredulous? Fine, then. Feast your brain feelers on a scene from the dirtbag version of Shakespeare’s Macbeth:
MACBETH is sleeping. LADY MACBETH pops a BMX wheelie over their bed.
LADY MACBETH: you should kill duncan
LADY MACBETH: or i could do it
LADY MACBETH: its fine ill do it
LADY MACBETH wheelies offstage.
That’s right: you’re sold. You can find more here, here and here. And when you’ve finished, make sure to read everything else The Toast has to offer. It’s one of the funniest websites around that isn’t actually this website.
*Your favorite characters/people may be dirtbags already, in which case, no wondering is required. Also… why?
2014 Tony Vicory.
- Prepare 1 popular song from a recently released music album. (Make sure to discard any of its original context; otherwise, the song’s flavor might contain some residual meaning, which, of course, inhibits digestion.)
- With the context removed, begin separating the song’s lyrics from its instrumentals, using either a paring knife or a large meat hammer. (Remember: butchering is an art, not a science, so don’t worry if most of the lyrics don’t survive the process, as long as the kick-@$$ beats remain intact.)
- When ready, add 1+ recording artist(s). Dress in hyper-sexualized clothing — if at all possible, use cut-outs, strategically torn acid wash jeans, and leather chaps — and cake with monster make-up. (Note: in lieu of clothing, nudity may suffice, but this only works if at some point during the video the recording artist relaxes on a cloud or writhes on a cotton candy machine.)
- Combine with 1+ love interest(s), 3+ background dancers, and 5+ randomly selected extras, preferably attractive and in various stages of crying. (Pro-tip: background dancers and extras can be substituted with exotic dancers and skittish-looking woodland creatures, respectively.)
- Mix the ingredients together in a large bowl. (If they do not blend easily, you may need to re-butcher them with 1,000+ jump cuts or re-label this recipe as “experimental.”)
- Once the ingredients are fully integrated, pour the mixture into a pre-heated pressure cooker/nightclub/well-lit industrial warehouse. Allow to simmer for roughly 5 minutes in front of a camera.
- Serve while hot… and then serve again and again and again until completely spoiled.
© 2014 Tony Vicory.
Accidentally typed “amanwalked.com.” Increased my own website traffic exponentially. #TheseJokesDoNotReadThemselves
Accidentally typed “amanwanked.com.” What a difference one letter makes! #NotMyWebcam
Accidentally typed “amanwalled.com.” Who knew there was The Cask of Amontillado fan fiction? #EdgarAllanPoeSaysPeopleShouldGetOutMore
Accidentally typed “amanwoked.com.” Mmm, stir fry recipes. #DeliciousMistake
Accidentally typed a 300-page dissertation. You can take the man out of scholarship, but… #ItNeededToBeSaid #AnotherDiplomaPlease
Accidentally typed on a typewriter. #AnalogIsTheNewDigital
Accidentally typed. Of course I’m paying attention to you, Honey. #ThatWasClose
Accidentally typed a YouTube comment. #HateMyselfNow #SoAshamed
Accidentally typed a magical spell. Anyone in the market for a hell beast? #WillCuddleForSouls
Accidentally typed “qwedcfgvbnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn”; got nowhere. #KeyboardFacePlant
© 2014 Tony Vicory.