The Unlikely Brew

Conscious Beer

It was an ordinary day, just like any other, when a pint of beer inexplicably gained consciousness. However, without eyes or ears or any sense organs whatsoever, it couldn’t fully explore the possibilities of its own existence, and understandably the beer became quite depressed. If only there were something it could have quaffed to drown its sorrows…

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Under Advisement

Dear

Dear Advice Columnist,
I’m in love with an author, but I’m beginning to suspect she’s just a brand ghostwritten by an anonymous collective. Tell me: are you just a brand ghostwritten by an anonymous collective? — CONFUSED BUT STILL ODDLY AROUSED

Dear Confused,
We are not a brand ghostwritten by an anonymous collective, but we are flattered. Thanks for asking. — US

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

A New Perspective

A New Perspective

A man walked into a bar… but forget about him. Let’s talk about Audrey. After a demoralizing week at work, all she wanted — nay, deserved — was a night of drunken commiseration with her best friend, Marissa, but did she get it? No! Of all the happy hours, she had to pick the one swarming with bar joke characters. “This is horrible!” she shouted. “I can barely hear you with all of these punchlines walking around!” “Could be worse!” Marissa shouted back. “We could be punchlines ourselves!” “Well, that’s true!” Audrey replied, oddly encouraged. Marissa was right: she wasn’t a punchline; she was just a woman with a terrible, terrible job. Audrey smiled. Next week will be much better, she thought. I know it. She then took a sip of her half-priced beer and watched as a priest, a rabbi and Richard Dawkins slipped in through the side entrance.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Shopping for Superheroes: A Word Problem

Comic Book Shop

Tom went to the comic book store. He had $10 in his pocket and was hoping to pick up the latest issues of Animal Man, Justice League and Swamp Thing. Each cost $2.99. If sales tax was 6% in Tom’s state, how many comics did he buy?

Answer: Zero. Tom never got the opportunity to buy anything, because the employees were too busy ranking the fictional characters they would sleep with (on a scale between “Hell Yeah” and “Well, Sure, I’d Probably Still Go for It”) to bother assisting him. This was not an isolated incident. In fact, this was happening at every comic book store ever. Yay, subscriptions.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

The Accursed Rental

Monster Movie Night

It was a dark and stormy movie night. Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, the Mummy and the Wolfman had gathered in an abandoned Transylvanian theater to watch Richard Linklater’s classic romance, Before Sunrise. Unfortunately, their manservant Igor had picked up the sequel, Before Sunset, by mistake, and within seconds, Dracula violently combusted. “Well, that was an overreaction,” the Mummy grumbled. “I actually like Sunset better,” the Wolfman added. Frankenstein’s Monster, however, started to sob and whined: “Gross, he got ashes in my popcorn!” Igor hunched his already hunched back. “Sorry, masters,” he said wearily. “Shall I fetch the broom?”

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Link of the Week: A Good Joke Can Change the World

Link of the Week

Fred Clark, aka the Slacktivist, demonstrates how a good joke can change the world:

“We have other examples that this is true but we don’t always notice them because the effect of good jokes usually tends to be defensive. The craftspeople at some of our finest joke workshops (the guilds of Stewart, Colbert, Onion, Toast, Silverman, etc.) expend a lot of energy playing a kind of whack-a-mole game in which prophylactic jokes prevent the world from getting worse. That’s a harder thing to identify or measure, but the effect is real.”

Oh, and did I mention there are clips from Monty Python’s Flying Circus and Last Week Tonight with Jon Oliver? You’re welcome. Says Fred. Presumably.

©2014 Tony Vicory.

Whistle Stop

Arrangement in Grey and Black No 1

A man walked into Whistler’s Mother.* “Please speak with your child,” he said impatiently. “I swear to God, if I hear him do The Andy Griffith Show theme tune one more @#$%ing time…”

*Arrangement in Grey and Black No.1 by James McNeill Whistler.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Ch-Ch-Changes!

Cheesed Off

A man walked into change. He didn’t like it. Shortly thereafter, at the suggestion of a friend, he picked up a copy of Who Moved My Cheese?: An Amazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life, but soon tossed the book into the garbage, because it was… well, just the worst.* Consequently, he stopped accepting book recommendations from his friends, especially those who worked in the business world. This was a wise move. It was also the best change the man ever made.

*Not all change can be enjoyed, Dr. Johnson. Contracting a deadly, flesh-eating disease, for example. Cheese case closed.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Speaking of changes, Amanwalked.com will be making a few in the coming weeks, as it begins introducing new joke types, but don’t worry: people/things walking into other people/things will still be this site’s top priority. Stay tuned!