Once Upon a Time…

A man walked into a unicorn. He was impaled. Luckily for him, unicorn horns are made of laughter and sunshine, so it didn’t hurt. Basically, it was like being stabbed with the beam of a flashlight. Unluckily for him, however, he had stumbled into the creature while it was trying to relieve itself, discreetly, behind a pomegranate tree, so in a fit of embarrassed rage, the unicorn clubbed him to death like a baby seal. It was a sight both grisly and fantastical, made all the more astonishing by the unicorn’s distinct lack of opposable thumbs and/or hands. This fact was later used as a signature argument in the much-publicized murder trial, in which the defendant’s attorney famously said, “If you want the proof, just check the hoof.” The attorney then squandered any goodwill he might have attained by adding, “Indeed, this hoof does tell the troof.” (Neither the jury nor the judge seemed to appreciate the forced off-rhyme.) Nevertheless, despite an earnest yet lyrically-flawed defense, the unicorn was eventually acquitted of all charges, thanks in no small part to the vagaries of imaginary law, and released back into the wild. Many years later, when asked to comment about the incident, the unicorn simply replied, “Neigh,” and trotted off. The victim’s family, too, had been equally tight-lipped, mostly because they had no idea what the hell anyone was talking about.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

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