A man walked into oncoming traffic. Suffice it to say, his Global Positioning System had failed him in two distinct yet equally important ways: firstly, by providing dangerously inaccurate directions and secondly, by neglecting to remind him that controlled-access highways should only be navigated within the safety of a well-maintained and legally registered automobile. Unsurprisingly, the man had barely entered the turnpike when he was immediately (and irreversibly) flattened like a pancake: a pancake which, for proverbial purposes, had also been run over by a 1998 Jeep® Grand Cherokee Laredo. Afterwards, following the compulsory police investigation, the local coroner declared the man’s death as “exactly what you would expect if a human being stepped face-first into a mid-size SUV on the interstate.” He also suggested that the accident might have been avoided if the man had spent more time playing FroggerTM as a child. With the case swiftly closed, neither the driver nor the GPS were charged with any wrongdoing. However, months later, the GPS was arrested, after it was revealed that the device had been secretly cavorting with the dead man’s wife, who had recently received a sizeable payout, for nearly a decade. Of course, the GPS initially denied the relationship, but upon the discovery of several incriminating photographs, most of which had been taken at nearby insurance agencies, it coolly replied, “Recalculating…”

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

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