Bad Connection

A man walked into a call center. “I would like your fanciest call girl,” he said to no one in particular. There were over 50 employees in the workspace, so the man had difficulty spotting an authority figure, especially since they were all wearing headsets — and headsets, he knew from shopping at the mall, meant power. “OK, maybe not the fanciest,” he said, singling out a woman with a lanyard. (After headsets, lanyards are the next best indicator of a person’s organizational influence. Also, the man mistook the woman for a Madam.) “The truth is,” he continued, “any girl will do, so long as they’re named Lola and bear a passing resemblance to my ex-girlfriend, Lola… or are, in fact, Lola.” “I think you have a fundamental misunderstanding of the services we provide here,” the woman replied. (Her years of imitating a computer had paid dividends with her conversational syntax.) “I see,” the man said forlornly. “You don’t have a Lola in stock.” “No,” the woman clarified, “we don’t have any sex workers in stock.” “I see,” the man said again. “Would you mind checking in the back, just in case?” (A week ago, this tactic had served him well when buying shoes.) “We don’t have a back,” the woman explained. “This is a central office.” “I see,” the man said once more. “I should have gone to the distribution center.” “No,” the woman answered, with much less patience than before, “you should have stayed home and ordered a prostitute over the telephone, in keeping with the traditional ‘call girl’ paradigm.” (She was now a very angry computer.) “I see,” the man said for a third time, sighing. “With customer service this bad, no wonder jobs in this industry are getting outsourced…”

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

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