High-Octane Formula

A man walked into a 1980’s action film. Regrettably, he was the main character’s best friend, so he died early on in the Second Act. He would be avenged, though, in the Third, after a training montage featuring flashbacks from the First (synchronized, crucially, to a song written and performed by Joey “Bean” Esposito). The main character would track his friend’s killer to a hidden missile silo in the jungled mountains of a place not-dissimilar-from Southeast Asia, dispatch nearly 15,000 henchmen with a 40-round semiautomatic assault rifle, and strangle the villain (a vaguely Eastern European business magnate who happens to be trained in both mixed martial arts and aerospace engineering) with a live electrical wire. The main character would lose his shirt, of course, and gain attractive but superficial injuries in the process. The villain wouldn’t really be dead, however, so he would need to be finished off permanently, perhaps by impalement on some conveniently exposed rebar; after which, the ne’er-do-well might fall from an impossibly high cliff and explode in the gorge below, despite the absence of anything even remotely combustible. Later, just before the credits (also synchronized to a song written and performed by Joey “Bean” Esposito), the main character would visit his friend’s beachside grave and emote masculinely, possibly laying flowers on the tombstone and saying something like, “We did it, buddy,” before hopping onto a shimmering motorcycle with his waitress-cum-centerfold-on-the-weekends paramour and riding into the sunset… in search of a sequel. Following a successful theatrical run, the film known as Friend Killer would soon be bootlegged mercilessly in foreign markets under the title: Murder Friend of Friends who Die of Murder, Part 1 of 5.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

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