A man walked into a travel suitcase… and zipped himself inside. He was a contortionist, so this trick was fairly standard. What wasn’t standard, however, was doing it in the baggage claim area of a large, metropolitan airport, which was ill-considered, given the man was an idiot and didn’t mark the case properly. A label like this, for example, would have been especially useful:
Property of Mark Johnson.
To contact, please open flap.
Probably within, folded like taffy.
As expected, the man was carried off by accident and never heard from again. Some say he was discovered by an axe murderer, who subsequently murdered him with a table leg, just to switch things up. Others say he was discovered by a Colombian drug runner, who mistook him for an overzealous mule and, upon realizing the error, also murdered him with a table leg. Still others say he was discovered by a lonely spinster, who took him home, married him in the garden shed and later murdered him with a table leg and/or a Balinese kitten. Security cameras, of course, tell a different story: that of a broken zipper, four-hundred trips around the carousel and a year locked away in the Unclaimed Baggage Center. This, travelers and would-be performance artists, is why you always tag your belongings. It’s also why you should be wary of table legs.
© 2014 Tony Vicory.