As Seen on TV

A man walked into an infomercial. He may not have been interested in edible toilet sponges before, but boy, he sure was now! Just look at those colors! Just look at that absorbency! Just look at the low, low price of $14.95 + shipping & handling (or three easy payments of $47.50)! Consider the man sold! What’s more, if he ordered in the next fifteen minutes, he’d receive an 8oz bottle of dual-purpose bleach/tanning gel and a set of matching stainless steel leg harnesses absolutely free!* “Wow!” the man said directly into camera. “They’re free? Suddenly, I want them!” But wait, that’s not all! If the man ordered in the next seven-and-a-half minutes, he’d also receive a one-of-a-kind reproduction of Michelangelo’s David, re-purposed as bath soap and handcrafted by award-winning forgers right here in the U.S. of A!** “Go ahead and take my money,” the man said ecstatically. “Oh, we fully intend to,” the announcer replied, “but not before mentioning our satisfaction guarantee; we don’t actually have one, but the allusion seems to work just as well.”*** “Golly!” the man said, drooling. “No wonder you don’t sell these products in stores; with bargains this good, you wouldn’t be able to keep them in stock!” “We couldn’t have said it better ourselves,” the announcer replied cannily, “or at all, for legal purposes, but now, thanks to your winning testimonial, we don’t need to! So then… will you be paying by check or money order?”

*Absolutely free for a one-time charge of $1,800.
**And mass-produced by molds in a Cambodian sweatshop.
***No refunds, no returns, no retaliation.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

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