Another Day in Paradise

Escape from Heaven

A man walked into Heaven. It was the best day of his afterlife. Until, that is, the mandatory orientation seminar, which lasted for a @#$%ing eternity. Sessions included:

  • “Theology 101: You Didn’t Know What You Thought You Knew”
  • “Theodicy 101: Yes, It Followed You Here, Too”
  • “How ‘They’ Got In: Admissions Policies and Those Who Slipped Through the Cracks, Including ‘That Guy’ and ‘Her’”
  • “Tuning Your Own Harp and Other Euphemisms”
  • “No More Telephones: Praying When God is Already in the Room”
  • “Budget Cuts: The Streets of Gold Are Actually Paved with Pyrite”
  • “The Face of Jesus: Why He Doesn’t Look Anything Like Jeffrey Hunter”
  • “How to Successfully Introduce Your First Wife to the Woman You Replaced Her With Six Months After the Funeral”
  • “The Revised Inerrant Bible”
  • “Sensitivity Training Moderated by the Apostle Paul”
  • Heaven Is For Real: Live Comedy Reading”
  • “Ornamental Wings: Why You Still Have to Ride the Bus”
  • “Chick-fil-A: Now Open on Sundays Only”
  • “Can’t I Reincarnate Instead?: Coping with Disappointment”
  • “Where’s My Dog?: Coping with Disappointment”
  • “Why God Buried All of Those Dinosaur Bones 6,000 Years Ago”
  • “CCM: Great Music or Greatest Music?”
  • “Angelic Bodies: Hooking Up Without Junk”
  • “How to Sleep at Night: Silencing the Screams of the Damned You Might Hear Coming from the Basement”
  • “What Happens When You Die… Again”

The man was later caught trying to escape over the Pearly Gates, but was wrestled down by Saint Peter, who afterwards slapped him in the face with a tilapia. Forever was going to be a very long time…

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s