Star Wars: Episode VII – Spoiler!

Han Solo and Chewbacca

According to an anonymous source, corroborated by no one, the following script excerpt features a scene from the highly anticipated Star Wars film, Episode VII. Please read at your own risk.


Han Solo enters. The entire bay is empty, except for the Falcon’s co-pilot, Chewbacca, who is slouching in the corner.

HAN: [irritated] Chewie, what’s going on in here? Where is everything? The engines, the hyperdrive, that outdated but incredibly sexy calendar I’ve been hiding from Leia – they’re all gone!
HAN: What do you mean, you got rid of them? Why? [groans] This better not be another one of your stupid Wookiee jokes. I’ve put up with the whole no-pants thing for years now, but this is extreme…
HAN: [scoffs] Excuse me? You can’t live a lie anymore? What are you talking about? What’s so dishonest about having a functional ship? Wait a minute — you’re not smoking space crack again, are you?
HAN: Oh, that’s offensive, is it? Please! I’ll tell you what’s offensive: the fact that you think I’m stupid enough to believe that the Falcon doesn’t need an engineering bay! How’s it supposed to fly, genius? By the power of your furry little mind?
HAN: What?! You’ve been using the Force all this time? Ha! I think you’re getting confused, my friend. Luke is the Jedi. You’re the throw rug.
HAN: All Wookiees are Jedi? Yeah, right! Since when? Your species’ greatest accomplishment is having developed a language somehow less intelligible than gargling! And need I remind you — again — that you’re NOT WEARING PANTS?!
HAN: So, Wookiees can speak? You’re just too busy moving things around with your Jedi telekinesis to bother enunciating? Come on! Now, I know you’re on space crack! Listen, if you sold the equipment to pay off a drug debt, I won’t be angry. Just fess up, and we’ll try to work something out —

Exasperated, Chewbacca growls, and then, with a flick of his wrists, he begins to levitate.

CHEWBACCA: [speaking clearly] Do you doubt me now?

Han staggers backward in shock.

HAN: [flabbergasted] HOLY HELL! Uh… well… OK… so maybe you are a Jedi! [gulps] But if that’s really true, why didn’t you tell anyone?! We definitely could have used your abilities back during those space battles — I mean, those “star wars” — we fought. I think you may owe Luke a hand or something…
CHEWBACCA: Actually, you’re the only one I kept in the dark.
HAN: What?!
CHEWBACCA: We all knew much you loved the Falcon, Han — you always said the day you “won” it from Lando was the best of your life — so none of us had the heart to tell you what a piece of $@#% it was. We sort of hoped you’d figure it out, though. I mean, who plays high stakes card games on April Fool’s Day?
HAN: [confused] But I’ve flown the ship without you… light years away… and Lando has, too…

Chewbacca shrugs.

CHEWBACCA: What can I say? Yoda’s got nothing on me.
HAN: [dejected] How could I have been so blind? You really have been living a lie. We both have. [sighs] I wonder what else I don’t know…
CHEWBACCA: [hesitant] Well, there is one more thing. You remember those blood tests you and Leia took before your wedding? It turns out the medical droids missed something. [clears his throat] Um… where do you stand on first cousins?

Han falls to his knees.

CHEWBACCA: There, there. Let it out. SKREEONK!

Star Wars: Episode VII hits theaters December 18th, 2015.

2014 Tony Vicory.

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