Tips for Introverts: How to Survive a Party

The Introvert

  1. As soon as you arrive, ask if Choco Tacos® are being served. If they’re not, and they won’t be, loudly shout, “What sort of party is this?!” and walk out. From then on, everyone will know the sort of hills you’re willing to die on.
  2. Wander around while staring intently at the carpet. If anyone tries to stop you, simply mumble, “I have to locate the crystal.” If this doesn’t afford you a wide berth, nothing will.
  3. Take a keen interest in the decor, because (a) it will give the impression that you’re busy and (b) bric-a-brac doesn’t ask you how work is going.
  4. Visit the bathroom often, because the more you do, the more likely it is that people will avoid it and you. This is the very definition of a win-win.
  5. If someone engages you, respond to everything they say with, “I can’t believe you just said that to me.” Sooner or later, they’ll pick up on the subtext.
  6. Be the ass end of a pantomime horse. Note: this requires a partner and is usually reserved for costume parties, but with a tweak here and there, who knows?
  7. Bring a ventriloquist’s dummy with you. People will give you space. (This works equally well with dolls, nunchucks, and the works of Ayn Rand.)
  8. Go to sleep. This is especially effective if done in the host’s bedroom. Warning: you may be asked to explain yourself before getting the boot.
  9. Wear a name tag that reads, “@#$% off.” Assuming your fellow partygoers are literate, this should do the talking for you.
  10. Don’t go. Problem solved.

© 2014 Tony Vicory.

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